hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
