The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
