we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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