My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
