he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
