I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Randomize
