i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I currently don't understand fingers.
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