I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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