I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
