Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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