he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
