Buhtt sex?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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