Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
