i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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