Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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