Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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