I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
