Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
