No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
