I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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