Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
