Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
whose ass print is on the piano?
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I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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