sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just found puke in my bra..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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