so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
