Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
