I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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