I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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