Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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