Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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