sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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