I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
