eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
