i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
