my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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