Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
