She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
