im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
