I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
