k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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