i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
