I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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