The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
