Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(323): View more from California

my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila

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