Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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