I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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