The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
