I got chris browned last night
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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