I met the friendliest cop last night
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
