Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
