i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
