I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
