3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need to calm my uterus...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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