I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
