If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
