don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
