My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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