k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
