My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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