i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
